July has been kinda chaotic because I'm getting this blog (mainly, this is a blog) together and it makes putting my entries up a little messy. Sorry about that!
7/22/25:
(made a poll because I’m curious about how people feel about it)
Every story written is a failed prayer made in hope that the subject has reached salvation.
Well, something like that. I read about such a thing recently. I’m going to be honest, I am simple, and I feel uncomfortable using such deep and intimate language, so I barely understand it. I like reading but I’m no good with fiction and literary analysis, I’m always feeling like I need to read something practical. And of course, I’m more than a little bit scared to think that no matter how often I read different things, I will never feel that sort of connection with like...any of it. It’ll be just a waste of time. I know that’s a little stupid. But I spend most of my time listening to music I never relate to, and while I still really empathize and enjoy it, I don’t really have the ability to see where it’s similar to my life and how I see the world. It’s just a really rare thing. When it does happen, it’s honestly scary, because I know it’s going to be such a weak point down the line. Like if I show anyone the thing I’m relating to I’m going to get Insulted-By-Proxy by the outsider, or worse, they’re going to say they get it too and I don’t really know how to handle that other then to say I don’t believe them.
I notice there’s a lot of people online who think and feel pretty deeply for literature and poetry these days. Maybe it’s just the link chains I find myself clicking. I am impressed by it usually because it’s one of those skills that I can’t even imagine how someone can build, maybe you just go to college and it gets bullied into you until you stop speaking like a lowly idiot (such as myself). What is the most interesting is the people who make and enjoy poetry, because that’s such an abstract thing to me, at least the kind that doesn’t rhyme or anything. I’m pretty straightforward and simple, so rhyming I understand and would even say I can be good at it if I was really made to do so for some random reason, lol. But I’m sure most people are like that. I haven’t been praised for my poetry since I got awards for it in middle school lol and my writing praise stopped at my wedding vows. But, I’m fascinated to witness people who respond so deeply to what just seems like a collection of esoteric sentences to me. I wonder what they’re seeing in these things? I can analyze a piece of visual art so incredibly in-depth that you’d come out of it a different person, aware of almost every possible element involved in it’s making, but I can’t really apply that to a poem. I’m sure there’s some way to, but I can’t really take it all in, it seems, without some sort of spoonfeeding about how others are seeing it. Despite this all seeming like a language I don’t know, I still feel some sort of drive to lurk on people’s poetry pages and try to “get” it, or at least figure out how it makes me feel.
On another unrelated note, I spent way to much time dicking around making pixel dolls. I made a cute room that I thought would be kinda like if this website was a room? Which doesn’t really make sense, I just sort of made my dream room. Lots of plants and my lovely cat :) I tried to make a pixel doll version of myself but it’s hard! My hair is a short and very curly bob, and I wear glasses, and it’s so hard to find those two things in these damn pixel doll makers! Also my glasses got off kilter in one lol.
7/21/25:
And just like that, we are finally complete! Or as complete as things will get around here. I don’t think there’s going to be much fanfare, and I don’t really mind that, because this really is meant to be my personal journal of talking about me and all the things I think of, like, and all that stuff. It’s exciting to know I have everything set up so that now I can just yap and create and all. I still need to add all of the fanlistings I’ve joined, but it’ll be pretty soon. I am looking forward to also joining any cliques that sound fun. I know this isn’t going to be the typical Neocities because I’m diverting to something I think is closer to how older personal websites were. I just think I’m more suited for it. On the other hand, I am hoping to make more grander projects to put on my other site in the future, I feel like I’m finally figuring out what I want that place to be, and I think I’ll be taking a lot of stuff off of it that is just plain old, boring, or kinda cringe. I really have to stop thinking people want to read me rambling about some random topic, because unless I’m actually doing research for it, it really isn’t worth reading. I would like to make shrines and fanlistings for things I like that don’t have those things. Probably a shrine to Brewster from Animal Crossing, and maybe some fanlistings for Japanese fashion substyles that I like. Maybe even a shrine to Panel De Pon, and a fanlisting for my 4 favorite Pokemon? I also noticed that Pokemon Colosseum for the Gamecube doesn’t have much of anything fanlisting-like either, and I’d love to get that going. I’m still looking, but I hope What We Do In The Shadows has a fanlisting (there is), and really Guillermo needs one too(there isn’t), or else I’m going to have to figure out how to make and maintain one for the sake of my lovely boy and my beloved show. If that does happen, I’ll even make a post on my vampire/wwdits tumblr saying I did. I ain’t dumb, I know fandom and hobbies are what keep the internet going! And I do want to go off on the things I love in a way others can feel like they’re welcome to join in. For now, I think I’m done with this who “internet magazine” nonsense that keeps me from enjoying myself and being a person online instead of trying to be some sort of brand or publication lol. This is not a substack! I think I need to consiously rip off that part of me that’s socialized to make something online of “worth” be it drawings, essay writing, or whatever. I need to instead become more active in expressing how I feel about something, such as editing photos to “possess” them on here or in a personal collage, making memes that amuse myself and possibly only myself, writing indulgent fanfic that I may never show anyone, making very specific graphics for my personal use (not that I care if people take them), and generally getting back to the meat of what it meant to be online in the golden years. The truth is, for a lot of people, those golden years never ended, they just changed a bit as they grew older. I know I used to whine about how I missed the old web, but I think after being on Neocities for a few years, I can tell I was sorely mistaken about the state of the internet and online culture. The years of internet culture being the forefront of counterculture might be over, but it’s not like anything really died. It’s just that it isn’t fluffed up with a bunch of normies trying to bump threads on Gaia online and reblog instagram pictures on Tumblr anymore. I think there’s kind of a divide of “phone internet” and “PC internet” for the most part, where phone internet is on instagram, snapchat, twitter, facebook, tiktok, and things like that, the PC internet is doing different things and a lot of the same things too. I still haven’t really figured out the general scope of PC internet, but obviously this website and neocities as a whole is a part of it. I think there’s probably a huge amount out there, though, from imageboards to forums to personal websites...there’s a lot of potential. I’m really barely brushing over it.
7/20/25:
I was thinking about the dead because someone close to my family has probably died. We can’t get in contact with her. She lives so far away, we can’t visit. Also none of us have the money to do so. I hate how much I overreact to things like this, I’m trying to not cry to be strong for everyone else, but it keeps coming. It feels selfish to do around those closer to her who aren’t crying. But I just think about all the people who are hurt by this and I hurt even more.
Oh, as I’m writing this, I just got confirmation that she’s okay! I suppose I’ll just keep the last part up as a lesson to look back to….I’m feeling some serious whiplash right now though. I think my heart needs a break lol…
7/18/25:
The thing that I think a lot of people don’t take to heart about me is that I don’t aim to half ass things. I just….end up leaving things half-assed and each time I have to fight hard to not let it break my heart. I want to be amazing at something but I think that it’s not really what I’m meant to do and that does make me sad a lot. But I also remember when I was the best at something, and people really did consider me to be exceptional at it, and how empty that actually felt. I just sort of felt alone in finding flaws in my work and just sort of felt like I was losing my mind a little bit, lol. Maybe I should have kept at it instead of dropping it so long ago that I’m nowhere close to how I used to be. Oh well, life is different now and I have to accept that.
I’ve been eating a bit less than I usually do lately since I had an awful stomach flu. It’s like my appetite has been reset and I really haven’t felt hunger at all, I’ve just been eating one meal to make sure I don’t get a headache since that would be really bad and I’ve already had a bad headache recently too. I’ve just had horrible health luck recently, I’ve been sick in all the possible ways. I think I might be a little scared to eat too much, but since I’m overweight, this isn’t really a big deal. Maybe I can focus better on other things. On the other hand, I slept a total of 12 hours counting my 1.5 hour nap today, after spending all week barely hitting 6 hours a night, so I think that’s probably good. While I would feel like I don’t have much energy, I’ll still get everything done somehow without too much trouble, so maybe I just need to be more active so that my body wants to sleep more. Being sick for a couple weeks and having other issues afterwards really makes it hard to get back to normal, I remember actually feeling really great the days before I got sick so I’m extra annoyed that it all got taken from me so fast. The weirdest part is how I’m barely touching weed these days. I don’t even drink much coffee. I’m just lame and boring now. Maybe I always was. Is this a part of getting older? Why am I always obsessing over that? No one is caring that I’m getting older, they just hate that I don’t have any children. Annoying!
I think my ocd gets a little worse when I’m not at my best. I think about the people I care about who are dead now a lot.
7/15/25:
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do in regards to socializing online, and of course, why didn’t I consider it before, but it’s fanlistings! And well, cliques and clubs and forums and things like that. I want to keep spending time on Gaia, and I want to really take time to put myself out there online among fan groups like I used to, especially since this is such a great way to connect with other people who like what I do. I know this seems so silly to randomly emphasize, because I’ve always known this, but I think I got too focused on link exchanges with individuals on my other website that I forgot I could also join groups too. I personally like the idea of focusing on that for a little while to really establish who I am online better, within networks that might connect me with like-minded people, or at the very least show a bit better who I am to people who are passing through. Tbh I really am excited to bring myself back to who I was when I used to surf the web and connect with other people who were usually into fandoms and similar to myself in a lot of ways, without any algorithim deciding that for me. I’ve been really excited to connect with Fantasy Life, Animal Crossing, and Japanese alternative fashion and kawaii culture especially, because these are things I enjoy most. Of course recently I’ve gotten a lot more into decentralized portable devices (think game systems, Ipods, PDAs, ect) and modding my 3DS. I also have a Pebble Time that I got back running after a little bit of doing tech stuff way out of my element. And I think that’s kinda what I have fun doing, just dabbling in tech to get it to work for me, and of course I’m going to copy and paste code if that makes things easier and everything looks just how I want. I sometimes feel the urge to make my own code, and that goes on my other site, but I’m just not there yet when it comes to making things look just how I want. I just think I’m not really inspired enough yet. Other people keep making exactly what I want, lol.
Anyway, looking through fanlistings makes me very badly want to make my own for the niche things I like. At least, make a button for these things so I can have a cute little grid of the weird things I love and hope others can put it to use. I wonder how people make those stamp button things? If I knew that I would be unstoppable. I would go crazy…
I think I have a small vision for the posts on this blog. I am the type who likes to make silly memes and images even when it’s cringe because it makes me laugh. I think I’ll try to lean into that when the time is right. I love making custom images for my blogs, now that I know more about how to make gifs and other image effects to really polish them off, but also I just like editing pictures and the internet is the best for that. I can draw but honestly I’m sort of sick of that part of myself right now, everything I’ve made recently, which is little, is stress to make and comes out much too rough compared to my photography and editing. I don’t like being the chick who draws stuff. I think there has to be more to me than that. I want to explore other things. Also I like the vintage polaroid vibe to things because it better illustrates how little I plan to share photos, as one or two per day or entry seems enough really. I think it’s kinda funny that the moment I actually learn a little coding worth a shit, and gif making that isn’t too cursed looking, I run off and make another site that I use copied layouts and turn it into a personal blog page to be my honest self. Is that layout I made myself not who I am or am I just ashamed it looks so lacking? With all the bells and whistles yet I think it has very little charm. I think it lacks a good composition but I honestly don’t know what that would be. I fail to really understand what the average user would want to navigate, so I’m always just feeling around in the dark. But I know a couple more tricks and understand a bit more than I used to. I wonder if the sunk-cost fallacy is keeping me from cutting off that website for good and just starting anew. I don’t want to lose contact with those I have with on there, so I don’t think I’ll ever delete. But I really need to get inspired already and brainstorm a better layout for the home page at least.
7/12/25
Been thinking about how much I want to exercise and move around more! I’m trying to be less negative about it, and just be excited to get myself moving and having fun with it. I’m happy to be off work right now, and I know I’m only feeling better and better each day, so I want to make the best of it :) I suppose my overthinking tendencies really ruin simple and good things….this is why I smoke weed lol. I’m going to really try to get my steps up and stretch more, so that I can work up to actually exercising to improve my health. I’m nervous but I know I can do it. What matters most is getting started and sticking to it. Maybe I should do some sort of sticker a day thing to reward myself for consistency? This has worked for me before!