WILL contain adult language, topics, and oversharing. You've been warned!
8/5/25
I guess that’s why using text to speak with others can sometimes be a godsend, even though I usually hate it and suck at it. I may not be able to communicate what I want to perfectly well, but I can finally take in every detail of what is being said to me, because I’m at my own pace. It’s nice like that, even if I’ll be scared to respond for no good reason.
I hate the loss of understanding that happens with people like me and everyone else. I think it’s probably a part of life to be chronically misunderstood, but it’s still hard to really take that to heart when it feels like the solution could be in your grasp. I get so frustrated when I see myself fuck it up; I’m frantically fumbling something that’s already on the ground. You know, for a while, it was kinda quirky and likable to have that sort of awkwardness about yourself. I mean, people kinda ran it into the ground and everyone got sick of it fast, but it was a little moment, I kinda wished I leaned into it then just to know what it feels like. Well, instead I dressed as the long lost relative of LMFAO back then, thought PC was master race and Nintendo fell off, and was sure elon muskrat was going to help us live on Mars in like, 10 years. So now I live with those choices lol. Le epic win…..
I’ve been trying to better understand this “Digital Gardening” thing. I think I mostly get it. It’s kinda funny, I’ve probably been doing it naturally and just didn’t have the word. Although I’m always pushing to do it more! Recently it hit me how much I’ve neglected my commonplace book irl and digitally. I collect screenshots of quotes I like and I’ve made the horrible mistake of thinking doing this sort of thing on Tumblr and Pinterest is enough, when it’s the pitfall that stops me from really MAKING something out of what moves me, and actually digesting it. It’s the anti-social media, as a form of mindfully chewing what you consume. It’s food from the earth that rivals common junk food. At least that’s how it is for me. And I miss doing it! It’s so crazy and annoying that I have to remind myself that I’m doing my whole life wrong again and need to go back to what I love instead. What a strange brain I have. But I’m really hoping to get back on the entire documentation/journaling/collage making/collecting mindset and practice very soon. Things are indeed rough still, and I’m still not at my best. So I forsee in like a week or a few days I’ll be back to myself and ready to go. Or I’ll be a different person entirely, lol. But I think just going deeper into learning about this and how others are doing it has been a lot of fun. I love when people collect their personal treasures and show them off, even if that means quotes or videos or whatever it is that they love. I think what makes it most special to do is that it literally encourages you to go out there and find what brings you joy and interests you. And isn’t it nice to have permission to do such a pleasant and natural thing? I think it can be exciting, knowing you have a system you can follow, that maximizes the happiness and insight you can get from whatever you want. Sometimes life can just be so simple like that.
“Caufield’s main argument was that we have become swept away by streams – the collapse of information into single-track timelines of events. The conversational feed design of email inboxes, group chats, and InstaTwitBook is fleeting – they’re only concerned with self-assertive immediate thoughts that rush by us in a few moments. This is not inherently bad. Streams have their time and place. Twitter is a force-multiplier for exploratory thoughts and delightful encounters once you fall in with the right crowd and learn to play the game. But streams only surface the Zeitgeisty ideas of the last 24 hours. They are not designed to accumulate knowledge, connect disparate information, or mature over time.“
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I think I should mention here that I consider digital gardening for myself to be closer to making clusters of collected information that I find to be a part of a whole idea, but I do not consider linking these all together through like, literal links, to be my main goal. I instead would like to create pieces like collages, webpages, word documents, and even file folders on my PC to be a digital commonplace book that holds extra possibilities that a physical journal can’t always offer. I have nothing against the idea of hosting such a thing on a hyperlink-ridden webpage or Obsidian document, but I don’t like the idea of limiting myself to such, even if that means it no longer qualifies as digital gardening. I like to collect! I love saving images, and I love getting to organize them later. I love the act of digitally grabbing the thing I enjoy and putting it into my pocket. But I need to get better about really sitting with those things I collect and taking time to enjoy them, instead of just mindlessly hoarding for the stimulation of hoarding. I need to express my thoughts, too, as I gather and arrange. When I think about it, I realize this is what could lead to me feeling less overwhelmed, more inspired, and more informed.
I felt the sting of a chronological format the other day when I was trying to find this screenshot, or maybe it was a tumblr text post, about “At least I never have to be 15 ever again” or something like that, and I wanted to insert it in an email I was sending to my dad (we email back and forth regularly). I was shocked I couldn’t find a single bit of it anywhere! That really sucked! Everywhere I searched was looking for the most recent or distinguished source to find something close, and not the exact match I needed. I was kinda shook by the sudden road block! This kinda kicked me a little in my mental ass about keeping a documentation that is organized enough that I can search through when I need to, because I really liked that post! I want to be able to actually revisit the things that shape me. I think more often as I get older about how I need things in my life that are solid and that sustain, lest I become a miserable and unfufilled old person or something. I just want to preserve some of the joy I have now for later, because that has genuinely been possible for me with stuff from 10+ years ago giving me joy now. I realize there’s some part of me, many parts even, that will never be the same, but that’s what makes looking back so interesting. It all helps me better move forward, too.
Well, that’s all I got. Maybe I should spend less time yapping and more time reading lol. Bye!
8/4/25:
Things seemed to take a small uptick when my husband and I went out with a friend of mine to this local anime themed bar that opened up a little while ago that she wanted to check out. I did, too, because it seemed like it could be a lot of fun even if I’m not much into anime anymore. We had a great time! We played cards against humanity and I had an Angry Orchard and won a free shot. My first sips of alcohol in months, what could possibly go wrong! And for that whole day and night, nothing did. I went home tired but happy to get out and do something fun and new. I needed the socializing, honestly. At least the kind where I can be myself. I had a good day.
The next day, I felt fine at first. I was very sure I had a car appointment set for that day to get our car finally fixed. I was worried about the cost but excited to get the AC back. I wanted to spend some time at the library with my husband before we had to be at the dealership for the repair, but when we got there, it was already like 20 minutes before we needed to leave, so there really wasn’t much time to sit and relax at all. I felt really stupid for wasting time even going there, even if it was technically on the way to where we had to go. Being that every emotion was being cranked up to 11 for me and my rationality was completely warped; the disappointment and insecurity and frustration was overwhelming. I felt like I was the most despised burden of a person in the world. It was, best I can articulate, like getting shot in the chest and having to breathe it out. I know that seems dramatic and I hate that I can’t really explain that yes indeed, emotions can feel this intense, and yes, a rational person would struggle to handle this situation just as much as I did. Watching yourself be insane where you struggle to pilot yourself is a special sort of curse. Oh, and of course since we need to be at our appointment, this is happening while I am driving. Fun! As I am sobbing, I think about what would make this day worse; if I had made the same incredibly stupid mistake I did the last time, and that the appointment was actually set for next week. That would be fucking awful. I’m thinking about how these people probably already see me as a loser who can’t seem to get anything right. I try to dry my face up from all the gross crying I’ve been doing as my husband tries his best to both comfort me and give me space, which unfortunately my irrational brain worms are working overtime to use knowing this as a way to make me feel guilty for making this so uncomfortable and unpleasant for him.
So anyway, my dumbass was supposed to be there next week, not on that day. Yep, the thing I was most worried about did indeed happen. Because I suck. And am stupid. I had to exert serious force not to just start sobbing violently in the dealership in rage at myself and my own overwhelming incompetence. I think this is a point where shit just got so intense I broke a little, and my husband insisted to drive because he could tell I was too overwhelmed, as if I wasn’t already. I wish I could have set fire to the place with a flamethrower. It would have made me feel better. It’s kind of rude of them not to offer that to me, actually. When a woman is crying, you should let her murder you; it’s only polite. (Dear feds, I am being sarcastic.)
Somehow, I got home later with some food we can’t really afford to get, was able to eat and lay down and just sort of...I don’t know, process everything. Even hours later, I was still feeling raw and lightly crying here and there at the thought of everything. I told my husband it’s not like I’m dying, but the pain is very real and it’s passing through me very slowly and painfully like a kidney stone, but knowing that, like a kidney stone, it will indeed pass does help me realize I’m not going to die and I don’t need to make a choice I would regret later. But it really does hurt like a motherfucker and only almost 12 hours later did I finally get the ability to smile and feel okay again. It’s almost like I was sick of something. Let me remind you normally I would be mildly annoyed and over it all on a normal day. But that day was not a normal day. This is just how awful the low points of my cycle get, and I hate that there’s not more research and understanding in things like this. It makes me look like I’m just being melodramatic when I know I’m being as candid and as rational as I possibly can. I am very convinced that drinking the afternoon before, however small it was and sober I was the next day, caused some sort of imbalanced fuckery to go on for me and my sensitive hormonal state, because I’ve had a taste of that during the last time I drank; which was months ago. That last time I remember having a random moment the next day where my mood out of NOWHERE stumped and I felt like everything on earth was awful without any sort of prompting. I thought it was so strange because it was so unrelated to what I was doing at the time, which is why I even remembered it at all. That time too, I only had a very small amount of alcohol. Extremely weird stuff. It’s crazy to think I used to drink this stuff nearly every day. I am truly not going back if this is what it means. Say what you will about weed, and cite whatever junk science you want, but THC doesn’t do any of that to me. Hell, THC is what helps me get through stuff like this, at least after the fact when I need to actually calm my insane thoughts down and just do something else or relax before bed.
I don’t really know how to end this. This whole ordeal probably seems small and weird to an outsider that doesn’t feel the kicks to the gut I felt each time, but oh well. I needed to write about this, even to just vent it out and make better sense of it. It’s a very strange and jarring experience. I guess if you’ve ever had something like this, or some element of it happen, then I hope it helps knowing you’re not alone. Over the next couple days I think I have to be not just slower and more gentle with myself but take care of myself more. I don’t see myself pushing out too much productivity, and I stuggle to be lucid sometimes when sober and well-rested. Being in this state makes me so incredibly insecure, not just from the emotional debuff but from seeing myself constantly fuck up normal and easy things. It’s stuff like this that makes me push myself so hard the rest of the month, because I feel like I need to make up for dragging the people in my life down when they didn’t deserve it. People will say all this stuff that sounds nice on paper like mental health being important, but if you’re not actively bleeding out of your head or something it’s hard for people to really believe you’re going through anything.
Anyway, I’m working a bit extra this week which I worry will indeed bit me in the ass, but hop hopefully this is one of those things where just by showing up for the extra hours I’m already in the good graces and my mess ups won’t be too much of a problem. I have a couple of blog posts planned on here where I can talk about things that interest me that I feel like I don’t get space to talk much about. Anyway, hope you’re doing better than I am!
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