WILL contain adult language, topics, and oversharing. You've been warned!
8/29/25:
EDIT: jesus christ i needed to like chill or something i sound kinda delirious
We’re hitting the last days of August, and the weather is finally getting nice. I love it, but I’m also a little anxious….we’re getting into holiday time and I’ll need to not only save up money for gitfts or for gift craft supplies but also this is when all the cool stuff starts happening and it all costs money also lol. I’m just going to have to push for extra hours at work and hope I get them. At least the AC costs will be dropping! I’m thinking I might get started planning some paintings for my parents xmas gifts early, so that I can hopefully paint either some much larger ones or a few small ones for them. I’ll also give making them each a card a shot but honestly I always suck at that because I can’t think of anything interesting to say in them, so I might just do some sort of matching designs or something. I always make it a point to have both my parents’ gifts and cards parallel and be really equal so they don’t think I like one more than the other or something. I know that’s kinda weird. Maybe if I have enough time and energy, I can paint a few of those little cute canvases to give to my coworkers? There’s 7 of them, that’s kind of a lot but I think I could manage. Actually now that I think about it, I should make a bigger (but still small) one for my mother-in-law for whichever anime dude she is currently into (yes I married into a fujo family...and I work with fujos too lol, so it’s gonna be easy to figure out what to paint them at least). Okay, WOW, that’s a lot of painting I’ll be doing. Honestly, getting started now, I feel like I can manage it. No, I seriously do! I’ve been getting better at painting but I’ve always struggled at just figuring out what to paint, and I actually do enjoy the act of painting now enough not to dread doing it. I think for the anime characters I’ll try to at least get a black paint marker to put the outlines down fast, and once I do that it’ll be a breeze compared to trusting my hand control.
Anyway! You might have noticed I’m following more people from this account! I just haven’t gotten around to not only checking out some other sites but also finding those I followed before on here. I think for on here, I want to follow people I’m genuinely interested in reading their updates and blogs and such, or people I love to keep up with on the art pages. I won’t be using the follow button to bookmark websites I just think have a cool look since it all starts to get kind of excessive and confusing and suddenly the people I want to read and keep up with are being drowned out on my feed. I do use RSS sometimes, but to be honest it just seems easier to click my followed feed on here when I’m already here updating and messing around, you know? I’m still figuring it all out.
You know what all the clicking around on the NC homepage had me realize? That Neocities is changing. I’ve been here about 2 years now, and considering I’m basically pushing aside my first and main website to more often work on this, my much more personal one, I’ve changed in that time too. I remember when I first started and I really, really thought I needed a manifesto as to why I was making a personal website. To be fair, I had been on a roll when it came to dropping modern social media; facebook had been dropped for years, twitter was completely abandoned, I was trying to quit tumblr and pinterest as well, and tiktok never really stuck for me to begin with. I was watching every new “why I no longer use social media” and “I went a day/week/month/year without social media” videos on youtube and I ate up anything else like that. And I still kinda do! But I was really into this whole idea of being completely unreachable through the mainstream ways. Looking back, while my heart was in the right place and there isn’t much I really disagree with, my methods to really talk in depth about how much I am frustrated with modern, mainstream, social media really fell flat. I rushed into it all as usual, and I failed to elaborate when I absolutely should have. That page should have been built over time to talk about the massive collection of small instances that really hit home for me as to why I needed to stop seeing these places as areas of personal self-expression and social connection, and more like a drug that simulated the ghosts of those feelings while dialing them up to an absurd amount to the point of almost uncomfortable stimulation. I think there’s a lot of argument in favor to this not just being the case for myself, but for everyone since it’s by design to hack the most instinctual part of our brains. I’m sure most people know this by now. But for me, the journey of not only learning this, but reading entire books for the first time in a long time about this stuff, seeing myself follow through with having restraint and self-discipline, getting more time at peace with myself and becoming better acquainted with who I am and what I enjoy, was magical and exciting. I was probably really annoying about it lol. But every step I took to cut myself off not only felt right but it took so much weight off of me. Every time I branched out to other people who were in orbit to this sort of philosophy was always a meaningful connection, even if small. I knew this was worth doing by the virtue of it bringing me joy and contentment. Even with my tacky and brightly colored sadgrl layout generator website, and my reckless use of copy-pasted HTML, I am so thankful I did it all. It’s not just what I did online, but it was the work I did offline, too, to really elevate myself and my free time to serve me. I really loved journaling and I still do. Less as a decorated journal spread and more of me just writing down whatever I want in my small but mighty notebook. I went to the local park every moment I could, and I would listen to entire albums while next to the river, watching it go by. I went on walks in the nature trail, and I took photos of my favorite things I saw and they were just for me. I printed off some photos (shoutout to cheap and free photo prints lol) and put them on the walls of my apartment. I did a loooooot of rambling in word documents, and published way too many (but not all) of those ramblings on the website. I sat with the discomfort of not getting to scroll through something and learned I can live with it. I played a lot of video games, and I started getting a lot more comfortable with taking charge of not only my ADHD, but anything I was scared of because I didn’t know enough about it and how to deal with it. I knew learning was hard for me, and it was scary, but I would rather be mentally fried from trying to learn something than from taking psychic damage scrolling through a feed. I was even doing yoga! And boy, was I reading books. Shout out to zlib and the local library, because I was reading like a depressed middle schooler. Once I figured out I was capable of starting and finishing a book (I should have realized from the insane amounts of fanific I can read lmfao), I chased that high pretty damn often. Also, wouldn’t you know it, there’s some pretty damn good books out there! I particularly love Jon Ronson’s books, I’m always partial to non-fiction and I have a soft spot for what I can only best call “unique journalism”, so his books are a blast. I’ll admit there’s a part of me that is not only very nosy but also loves to hear about (fellow tbh) weird people irl. Perhaps this drive is something you share and has you reading this, like right now? Lol I can’t really judge. I don’t have any malicious intent when I read his stuff about people often on the margins or who are just kinda strange, I observe with little disdain (past perhaps the normal amount one would have when reading about say, his adventure with alex jones). If you know of anyone making books out there like Ronson, please shoot me an email!! I dream of his quirky female counterpart popping up in my library with a bunch of books waiting for me one day. In my wildest dreams she’s even funnier and has a chapter she’s made with care and wit about the EGL community on livejournal back in it’s heyday, historically accurate down to the icons. A woman can dream.
I guess I am very lucky to have stuck with most of these habits and even added a couple. But when I look back, I realize how much of a reset was going on for me. I was sick of my own bullshit! And rightfully so, I was tired of being tired and overwhelmed and rarely in a good mood! I knew cutting off facebook had worked wonderfully for me, and I knew when I stopped going to twitter I felt better overall. It seems so obvious, but it took a while to really stop myself from doing things with little thought to doing things with much more intention. It’s hard to kick a habit that hates you but makes you feel like you need to do it or something back will happen if you stop. That’s such an awful thing about these places, is the guilt they made me feel for not keeping up with the real people I had known over the years or not keeping up with the news or whatever was trending. During covid it really felt like I needed to be on the pulse of everything always, in case another terrible and huge thing happened that was out of my control but near my doorstep. It takes a while to push through that fear when you’re doing it basically alone. My husband doesn’t have any social media, so it’s not really much he could relate to about it but he did try his best to be supportive, he just didn’t really understand exactly how it felt to cut myself like that then. I compare it to an addictive substance because it is, and I am absolutely saying that from experience and not ignorance. I knew it would take a while to really be “over” it, and have the dependence out of my system, but I also had an idea as to what it felt like to do the right thing (not the easy thing), and I knew I was on the right track. I know looking back I was kinda annoying and smug! But I think I deserved to be a little smug as a treat to keep me going. Perhaps being smug is just the fuel people need to make better choices for themselves and opt out of what is toxic. Maybe I just seem smug because I’ve always struggled with honest confidence. Who knows! I found so much comfort with seeing other people, mainly on youtube, talk about their changes and how it felt to go through them, and the sort of related changes and challenges they were having. I was becoming much more into decentralized tech, and rediscovering my handheld consoles and getting my tablets back into use (mainly to read on, because I love that I can long-press a word to look it up), and I was getting much more acquainted with using adblocker and modded apps to avoid ads. I was fine-tuning my free time into something that was truly my own, and cutting off all the garbage that stressed me out without purpose. I was always a bit nervous to try these things out because I was so scared it would all go over my head. I mean, I can secure 100 tabs during covid with just an aging smartphone and a data plan and a dream but thiiiiis? Lol. I really do fall for the doubtful thoughts often. But now I’m on the other side, and I feel more in control of my life because I’m proving to myself more and more that I don’t have as many limits as I used to. Maybe they were never there.
There’s probably nothing technically sinister about tumblr as a whole. Honestly, the culture will probably always shape a part of me no matter how hard I try, and of course I’ve still got 4 entire blogs linked on here too lol. But to be completely real with myself, cutting back on tumblr is good for me. There’s really nothing bad if I cut it off completely. Remember, this place invented the infinite scroll! Without ads on desktop it isn’t too bad, but I have to set a time limit for sure. It’s very easy for me to lose hours scrolling, while getting upset about 10-20 different things, usually related to politics, accented by art, fashion, music and more that I deeply love for a few seconds, scroll past, and forget a moment later, only to have the emotional weight remain later without any release or label. It’s just more than I can realistically handle sometimes. I think I just have days where I’m not able to process these things in rapid fire or ignore them strategically, so it’s just better to not go there. Pinterest is pretty close to the same thing, but worse since it’s all just pictures of things I think are cool. It’s an overwhelming amount of everything I like at once. It’s a strange problem to have, but I can’t just pretend being overstimulated like this is a good thing. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m just weak, lame, and kinda crazy for doing this. I think the nice thing is that unless you’re looking to gain and keep followers, you really don’t feel pressure to always be posting and reblogging. I guess this is because these platforms aren’t really based in that type of peer pressure to stay relavant. I’m never looking for fame anyway.
It’s been a long couple years since I threw those links on my manifesto. I remember I was hurt over a friend breakup that was actually also a huge relief due to how shitty she treated me, what started as her attempt to bait me into begging for her to be my friend again and that I’m sorry, turned into me finally feeling some peace when she ignored me and realizing I needed to stop talking to her also, because there was nothing I missed about us at all. I got my free time back and I could be myself without judgment. I promised myself if I was going to be alone with time to myself I was going to spend it to it’s fullest. I’m an only child, after all, so what the hell was moping any good for? I even got back in touch with old friends and connected better with my family and my husband and I got closer too. Now I can see just how this was ground zero for really diving into what I wanted out of life. I feel like I’m on the cusp of forgetting her name, I haven’t talked about her or this in so long now. I really never think about here and all the feelings I felt are felt to their logical end. I don’t even live in the same place or work the same job. I’m so proud of the strange and self-assured woman I’ve become, and I love being the person I’m becoming now, too, whoever she is. I’ve kept at Python and I’m excited to visit that park again tomorrow, it’s always scary to think it’s nearly all in my hands, the future I mean, but facing that fear and doing what I actually want always seems to work out nicely. Okay, I’m like soooo tired from the melotonin, so enough delirious rambling. Goodnight!
8/26/25:
So, it all ended up not being a big deal, just like I suspected. Dad didn’t really seem phased at all about if my place was clean or messy or whatever, he was just invested into what he was there to do. I guess I have a house as clean as it’s going to get right now, so there’s that. Of course the lack of anything happening like I expected leaves me with some sort of stress, on top of how much I was doing a lot of heavy lifting and going up and down the stairs last night. So basically I was exhausted at the end of it, but I still made some progress on the Python class. Like, actual real progress where I even executed some code that actually did what I wanted to lol! I was kinda pleasantly surprised that I not only was able to pick right back off from where I was cut off from dad stopping by, but I was actually getting it even though I was really tired. Like, I always assumed when my brain was done it was really done, but maybe I’ve been selling my capabilities short or something. These past couple years have been full of me surprising myself with what I can do, and I’m so incredibly thankful for that. I get so bummed out sometimes because of what I fail to achieve that I forget just how much better I am than I used to be. I guess it’s just not happening fast enough. 
But besides all that, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve changed in a certain way that I didn’t expect. I am surrounded by people who are usually pretty obvious when they are into something, which I think is good! Honestly it’s nice to just know about whatever thing my friends and peers are into at the moment and I would hate to not hear about these things. I used to be a loooot more like that. I used to be really obnoxious about it, actually, because it genuinely bothered me when people disliked whatever show or game or movie I was into at the time, so I would always be trying to make a case for why they should be just as obsessed as I was. Of course, since whatever is was would also be on my mind, I was the type of person who would really only talk to someone if it was about that thing or I could make it about that thing. I was kinda annoying! So of course as I’ve grown older I’ve not just calmed down about doing that since I know it made me unpleasant to be around, I just sorta shut it off entirely. I know all too well how great it felt to be able to talk at length about the stuff that’s on your mind (if these lengthy blogs are any indication lol) so I often go out of my way to just let other people go on and on about whatever they want, I would dare say I encourage it. Since the majority of the people I talk to on a regular basis are the type to have special interests, I’m usually in this state a lot. I guess I don’t mind, since I encourage it, but I feel so awkward now just talking about myself irl and what I like. I know and like a lot of things in general, which I can make some level of casual conversation about, but I don’t think I can just go on and on about the one or two things I’ve been really into at that moment anymore, for a few reasons. The main one is just that I hate being the person saying the most in a conversation the way I do in say uhhh, a blog entry on my website, but also just how often my usually fleeting passion for something can be mistaken for a lifelong dedication. Don’t get my wrong, I have those dedication things also! But often I am into something for the first time and I don’t trust myself to stick with it yet, and don’t want to give off the wrong idea. Like, I’ve been wanting to wear the hat of “person who knows how to use Python” for about a year now, but I genuinely don’t know yet if I’ll get very far in what I’m learning. I’m not able to really control how passionate I am for things, honestly is anyone? Logically I want to stay with this and make something fun or useful, but logic doesn’t get much of a say here. The other way I can be wrongly interpreted is people might just plain think I am a bit of a selfish conversation partner, with my own head stuck on myself and only me. I actually used to work with someone like that and I always struggled to figure out why being around them was stressful, until I saw them like a year or so later, they talked at me without stopping to breathe for about 45 minutes as usual, and when my husband and I left he said “Wow, she didn’t give you a moment to talk like at ALL. All she did was brag about her kids and all the cool things she was going to do and buy.”. And I can’t believe it took me that long and him saying something for me to realize that’s exactly what happened. That’s how it always was. No wonder I felt how I did. I knew at that moment that no matter how much I loved something and was justified in being proud of something, I wouldn’t be like that. Unfortunately, I think I’ve taken it a bit too far.
what’s even more in my way is how I’m usually capable of being half interested in almost anything. Kind of an ADHD superpower, kind of a curse too. In this case, I’ll sort of forget to even say anything about me, because I’m too focused on whatever it is they like. This stops me from ever getting on the subject about something I’ve been into. 
And if I can sorta rant a bit? I think this sort of “thinking too much about ourselves” problem comes into play here. Mainstream social media enables this the most, which I’m sure alters how people approach their conversations. No longer do people have to go out of there way to ask others what they’ve been into recently or what’s been on their mind, because it’s pretty common to already have a place to talk about that available so that if the two talking are already friends, they already know what the other person is into. If they aren’t friends, there’s still the assumption they’ve already used a space to talk about these things. Of course, this ends with me being frustrated because I’m probably often waiting for someone irl to ask me what sort of things I’ve been into or are usually into, but instead I’m stuck talking about “No, I don’t have any kids, no, I don’t want them right now, yeah I work in a shitty retail job, no I don’t like it that much, no, I genuinely do not have a TikTok or Instagram or whatever, no I am not hiding the fact that I have those things because I secretly don’t like you, no I am not judging you for having those things even though I’m sure you’re judging me, and no, I do not go to church or bars in my spare time.” it just gets a little exhausting because while I know there’s merit in this small talk, and it still think it shows who I am to a point, it paints a pretty shit picture of me to most people who usually covet and adore what I lack and what I find stupid. I hate that I’m basically seen as this judgmental and cynical person, because it’s usually a lot more complex than just that, and I really try my best to start a conversation that isn’t one-sided about it so that I am able to listen to what others have to say about it. But being different from 99% or more than the people around me, minus my husband, it just suuuuuucks. He can’t make up for the other people in our lives who are just unable to see how we feel about these things in even a small way. I don’t live on Tumblr Brain Island, where it’s all just many flavors of leftist opinions and counterculture, and I don’t know if the grass is always greener to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if I should reconnect with the punk (or maybe it’s former punk? Post punk?) crowd again just to see if it’s people who I can connect with easier. But I remember that I used to also feel like this in other ways when I was more in that scene. Anyway, who knows what a lot of those folks are up to or even connected with each other anymore. Maybe growing up is realizing that sort of connection with people might not happen anymore. I might just be wasting my time by fighting for it, and to be fair a lot of why people aren’t going to keep in touch or connect deeper with me is my own fault, too. I can’t just randomly want something I haven’t been trying to hard to get in the first place and expect it to appear. I know this whole ramble has gone off the rails, and I’m sorry for that I suppose. I know this started with just wishing people irl would stop talking about whatever they’re into and express a little interest in me talking about what I’m into, because I feel like I’m bothering them if I just blurt it out like I used to do. Like...do people really not do that? I do that often and people love it. Do people not understand how to balance a conversation, or am I expected to be more aggressive? Very strange to me, and I think it’s super annoying. Stop being lame and express interest in me like I do for you!! Copy what I’m doing!!! Treat me how I treat you!! 
Ugh, now I’m being lame. I guess I’m just stressed and this is how it’s manifesting. But it’s fucking dumb, right? It’s just like the “how are you” thing, where no one is actually asking about how you’re doing and they’re just doing a check to see if you’re normal. If you don’t respond with something like “fine, you?” you fail the check. That shit is so annoying. It’s so dishonest, because no one cares how you’re actually doing, it’s just a hello. I used to be an ass sometimes when it got to me, and just respond with a hello, which usually just pushed us forward to the next part of the conversation or the person actually began to ask how I was in a more genuine manner, which I usually took as they actually meant to ask how I was doing, which I would be quick and friendly but honest. I’m sure you might be thinking, “is it possible to have autism about socializing?” or something like that considering how long this rant is, and yeah I….I don’t know. I’ve always suspected, but talk about pick a struggle. The last thing I need is a stronger than usual looming suspicion that I have something that cost possibly hundreds to diagnose when I can’t even afford a $25 Homestuck shirt or a new pair of jeans that aren’t broken at the zipper. I don’t think I would benefit from a self-diagnosis, either, since all I would really do from learning I have autism is hide it from anyone who isn’t close, use it to get disability payments, and see if I can get free counseling on how to handle having it. It’s not a death sentence but it’s another thing I would have to put in even more effort than I already do with the ADHD to manage. So for now, the psychoanalysis of this blog post is leaning towards “those with ADHD tend to struggle to process their stronger emotions and ruminate in their thoughts too long due to the stimulation it provides and the difficulty they have to end tasks” type shit lol. I have just been dealing with a lot of stress in general, which I think I said earlier, but I can’t remember. Maybe I’m even a bit lonely, but I’ve been around people pretty regularly. Who knows. There’s always a reason, right? I have a lot of thoughts about just keeping this one in the drafts, but I said yesterday about how I did that too often, or something like that, and I just don’t think I should get into that habit again. I think it’s probably going to be tempting to delete this later and maybe I will, since it’s probably a total drag to read, right? But then I think about how this sort of ceaseless ranting is a pretty strong hallmark and habit of others who have ADHD like I do, and I wonder if seeing other people sorta fall into this pit and drag themselves out of it might actually be something good. Perhaps I think too much of myself and the potential reach I have, since I’m sure very few people even read this blog anyway. I suppose if you’ve been there, then I hope this meant something somehow. I really should go now. I’ve got some things I need to sink myself into. 
8/25/25:
Wow, why has it been so long?
Well, I kinda know why. I get like this a lot. I’ve been writing a lot and keeping it in the drafts for like a couple weeks, and I’m not taking them out probably ever, either. I think it’s hormonal because it’s usually a 2 week period when I get less and less comfortable talking at length or when I do, I feel super weird publishing anything. I guess there’s some merit to holding myself back from letting my unhinged ramblings hit the public ‘net, but also I have to get more comfortable with the core parts of me that make me who I am, I can’t just reject all of it. I guess there’s also just that I always seem to get these great ideas right before I’m falling asleep, or are at work in the middle of something, or just unable to (at the very least) put my idea in the notes on my phone or something. Of course I always have this goofy thought that I’m going to just magically remember the idea for the first time in my life, or more likely, I’ll think if it’s such a great idea I should remember it later.
As you can tell,
I’ve made a new section to the site that is a pop-up,
I’m actually really digging it so far! Every time I think too hard about what it’s supposed to be, I get way too carried away with being specific and it kinda falls apart. This is supposed to be where I get more in depth about fictional characters I really love and probably think about way more than normal. I’ve also put a miscellaneous section for the characters that just haven’t made the cut due to either excess of time since I’ve really thought about them or I’m just not holding a strong enough flame to justify a larger part of the page. I think I’ll be adding on to this from time to time, once it’s finished. I also just really wanted to create a sort of “mini shrine” for my blorbos (for lack of a better term) that I can put my own graphics and gifs that I’ve made in a nice little space that I can expand as I make more. These are all for anyone to use, of course. My obsession is to you’re benefit! We love to see it. But one thing I’m a little bummed about, and it’s my own fault, is that I have all this great fan art on my PC but my dumb ass didn’t think to save the source so if I made any icons out of them, I could give credit and make sure in general that it was okay to even make in the first place. This is kinda frustrating, because I have so many! I will have to start from scratch and find new work to make into icons, banners, or whatever. I guess for now it’s for the best that I focus on canon appearances. I want to get some gifs in there, too, but that does take a lot of space up on my free account so I’ll need to make them smaller and be choosy lol. I may just use Catbox or something to save up my space. I hope soon I can afford to upgrade just to make this problem go away.
Today my dad is coming over to help me install new blinds in my house. I’m awful at being an adult lol, so I seriously can’t figure out how to even get the old one’s down. I’m also nervous about how clean the place is, not because it’s genuinely a mess but because I grew up in an extremely meticulously clean home. I wasn’t even allowed a pet because the mess would be too much lol. But now I’ve got a wonderful cat 
(he is my first and only pet so far!) and I am unfortunately not immune to honest ADHD clutter. The surfaces are clean enough to eat off of, but the way we have stuff stored in certain areas is not closed off, it’s mostly shelving and there are a couple stacks of things we have because we don’t have a place to put it away that isn’t creating some sort of visual clutter. I hate that we don’t have all these fancy ways to say, idk, hide our brooms and excess pantry items (there’s 3 of us who live here and all the cabinets and drawers filled up fast), and I’m stuck with two people who can’t find anything if it isn’t completely out there and exposed on like a table or cabinet or something. Basically, I’m doing what I can, but I can’t do everything to the standard I know my dad is going to compare this place to. It’s clean, the clutter is contained and minimal, but I doubt that will be enough. I think I’m probably just pushing myself too hard and wanting to achieve something impossible and frankly a waste of time; impressing my parents with my ability to clean and stay organized. I’m better off comparing to my past self, but overachieving is a bit of an addiction when you rarely taste the regular kind, lol. I think I just need to be okay with him being uncomfortable. Perhaps I’m also making him look bad, here, but hey he is helping me out!
Right now, I’m going to make it a point to finish watching the videos from the Harvard Python introductory course.
If all this ADHD talk gets annoying, I’m sorry. 
It will happen again. And again. I’m basically stuck like this and I have to learn how to be a person in my own particular way, which I sorta have to be obsessed with and always vigilant about. It’s tiring to me, too, because it takes the place of hobbies and interests I would rather put effort into. But the funny thing is, that if I don’t put in the work for my ADHD maintenance, then I’m probably not going to have any time or energy to do anything I love at all. It’s kinda shitty like that!
Anyway, I’ve got a lot of stuff on the roster to do! I hope everyone reading this is doing well. Byebye! 
8/5/25:
I guess that’s why using text to speak with others can sometimes be a godsend, even though I usually hate it and suck at it. I may not be able to communicate what I want to perfectly well, but I can finally take in every detail of what is being said to me, because I’m at my own pace. It’s nice like that, even if I’ll be scared to respond for no good reason.
I hate the loss of understanding that happens with people like me and everyone else. I think it’s probably a part of life to be chronically misunderstood, but it’s still hard to really take that to heart when it feels like the solution could be in your grasp. I get so frustrated when I see myself fuck it up; I’m frantically fumbling something that’s already on the ground. You know, for a while, it was kinda quirky and likable to have that sort of awkwardness about yourself. I mean, people kinda ran it into the ground and everyone got sick of it fast, but it was a little moment, I kinda wished I leaned into it then just to know what it feels like. Well, instead I dressed as the long lost relative of LMFAO back then, thought PC was master race and Nintendo fell off, and was sure elon muskrat was going to help us live on Mars in like, 10 years. So now I live with those choices lol. Le epic win…..
I’ve been trying to better understand this “Digital Gardening” thing. I think I mostly get it. It’s kinda funny, I’ve probably been doing it naturally and just didn’t have the word. Although I’m always pushing to do it more! Recently it hit me how much I’ve neglected my commonplace book irl and digitally. I collect screenshots of quotes I like and I’ve made the horrible mistake of thinking doing this sort of thing on Tumblr and Pinterest is enough, when it’s the pitfall that stops me from really MAKING something out of what moves me, and actually digesting it. It’s the anti-social media, as a form of mindfully chewing what you consume. It’s food from the earth that rivals common junk food. At least that’s how it is for me. And I miss doing it! It’s so crazy and annoying that I have to remind myself that I’m doing my whole life wrong again and need to go back to what I love instead. What a strange brain I have. But I’m really hoping to get back on the entire documentation/journaling/collage making/collecting mindset and practice very soon. Things are indeed rough still, and I’m still not at my best. So I forsee in like a week or a few days I’ll be back to myself and ready to go. Or I’ll be a different person entirely, lol. But I think just going deeper into learning about this and how others are doing it has been a lot of fun. I love when people collect their personal treasures and show them off, even if that means quotes or videos or whatever it is that they love. I think what makes it most special to do is that it literally encourages you to go out there and find what brings you joy and interests you. And isn’t it nice to have permission to do such a pleasant and natural thing? I think it can be exciting, knowing you have a system you can follow, that maximizes the happiness and insight you can get from whatever you want. Sometimes life can just be so simple like that.
“Caufield’s main argument was that we have become swept away by streams – the collapse of information into single-track timelines of events. The conversational feed design of email inboxes, group chats, and InstaTwitBook is fleeting – they’re only concerned with self-assertive immediate thoughts that rush by us in a few moments. This is not inherently bad. Streams have their time and place. Twitter is a force-multiplier for exploratory thoughts and delightful encounters once you fall in with the right crowd and learn to play the game. But streams only surface the Zeitgeisty ideas of the last 24 hours. They are not designed to accumulate knowledge, connect disparate information, or mature over time.“
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I think I should mention here that I consider digital gardening for myself to be closer to making clusters of collected information that I find to be a part of a whole idea, but I do not consider linking these all together through like, literal links, to be my main goal. I instead would like to create pieces like collages, webpages, word documents, and even file folders on my PC to be a digital commonplace book that holds extra possibilities that a physical journal can’t always offer. I have nothing against the idea of hosting such a thing on a hyperlink-ridden webpage or Obsidian document, but I don’t like the idea of limiting myself to such, even if that means it no longer qualifies as digital gardening. I like to collect! I love saving images, and I love getting to organize them later. I love the act of digitally grabbing the thing I enjoy and putting it into my pocket. But I need to get better about really sitting with those things I collect and taking time to enjoy them, instead of just mindlessly hoarding for the stimulation of hoarding. I need to express my thoughts, too, as I gather and arrange. When I think about it, I realize this is what could lead to me feeling less overwhelmed, more inspired, and more informed.
I felt the sting of a chronological format the other day when I was trying to find this screenshot, or maybe it was a tumblr text post, about “At least I never have to be 15 ever again” or something like that, and I wanted to insert it in an email I was sending to my dad (we email back and forth regularly). I was shocked I couldn’t find a single bit of it anywhere! That really sucked! Everywhere I searched was looking for the most recent or distinguished source to find something close, and not the exact match I needed. I was kinda shook by the sudden road block! This kinda kicked me a little in my mental ass about keeping a documentation that is organized enough that I can search through when I need to, because I really liked that post! I want to be able to actually revisit the things that shape me. I think more often as I get older about how I need things in my life that are solid and that sustain, lest I become a miserable and unfufilled old person or something. I just want to preserve some of the joy I have now for later, because that has genuinely been possible for me with stuff from 10+ years ago giving me joy now. I realize there’s some part of me, many parts even, that will never be the same, but that’s what makes looking back so interesting. It all helps me better move forward, too.
Well, that’s all I got. Maybe I should spend less time yapping and more time reading lol. Bye!
8/4/25:
Things seemed to take a small uptick when my husband and I went out with a friend of mine to this local anime themed bar that opened up a little while ago that she wanted to check out. I did, too, because it seemed like it could be a lot of fun even if I’m not much into anime anymore. We had a great time! We played cards against humanity and I had an Angry Orchard and won a free shot. My first sips of alcohol in months, what could possibly go wrong! And for that whole day and night, nothing did. I went home tired but happy to get out and do something fun and new. I needed the socializing, honestly. At least the kind where I can be myself. I had a good day.
The next day, I felt fine at first. I was very sure I had a car appointment set for that day to get our car finally fixed. I was worried about the cost but excited to get the AC back. I wanted to spend some time at the library with my husband before we had to be at the dealership for the repair, but when we got there, it was already like 20 minutes before we needed to leave, so there really wasn’t much time to sit and relax at all. I felt really stupid for wasting time even going there, even if it was technically on the way to where we had to go. Being that every emotion was being cranked up to 11 for me and my rationality was completely warped; the disappointment and insecurity and frustration was overwhelming. I felt like I was the most despised burden of a person in the world. It was, best I can articulate, like getting shot in the chest and having to breathe it out. I know that seems dramatic and I hate that I can’t really explain that yes indeed, emotions can feel this intense, and yes, a rational person would struggle to handle this situation just as much as I did. Watching yourself be insane where you struggle to pilot yourself is a special sort of curse. Oh, and of course since we need to be at our appointment, this is happening while I am driving. Fun! As I am sobbing, I think about what would make this day worse; if I had made the same incredibly stupid mistake I did the last time, and that the appointment was actually set for next week. That would be fucking awful. I’m thinking about how these people probably already see me as a loser who can’t seem to get anything right. I try to dry my face up from all the gross crying I’ve been doing as my husband tries his best to both comfort me and give me space, which unfortunately my irrational brain worms are working overtime to use knowing this as a way to make me feel guilty for making this so uncomfortable and unpleasant for him.
So anyway, my dumbass was supposed to be there next week, not on that day. Yep, the thing I was most worried about did indeed happen. Because I suck. And am stupid. I had to exert serious force not to just start sobbing violently in the dealership in rage at myself and my own overwhelming incompetence. I think this is a point where shit just got so intense I broke a little, and my husband insisted to drive because he could tell I was too overwhelmed, as if I wasn’t already. I wish I could have set fire to the place with a flamethrower. It would have made me feel better. It’s kind of rude of them not to offer that to me, actually. When a woman is crying, you should let her murder you; it’s only polite. (Dear feds, I am being sarcastic.)
Somehow, I got home later with some food we can’t really afford to get, was able to eat and lay down and just sort of...I don’t know, process everything. Even hours later, I was still feeling raw and lightly crying here and there at the thought of everything. I told my husband it’s not like I’m dying, but the pain is very real and it’s passing through me very slowly and painfully like a kidney stone, but knowing that, like a kidney stone, it will indeed pass does help me realize I’m not going to die and I don’t need to make a choice I would regret later. But it really does hurt like a motherfucker and only almost 12 hours later did I finally get the ability to smile and feel okay again. It’s almost like I was sick of something. Let me remind you normally I would be mildly annoyed and over it all on a normal day. But that day was not a normal day. This is just how awful the low points of my cycle get, and I hate that there’s not more research and understanding in things like this. It makes me look like I’m just being melodramatic when I know I’m being as candid and as rational as I possibly can. I am very convinced that drinking the afternoon before, however small it was and sober I was the next day, caused some sort of imbalanced fuckery to go on for me and my sensitive hormonal state, because I’ve had a taste of that during the last time I drank; which was months ago. That last time I remember having a random moment the next day where my mood out of NOWHERE stumped and I felt like everything on earth was awful without any sort of prompting. I thought it was so strange because it was so unrelated to what I was doing at the time, which is why I even remembered it at all. That time too, I only had a very small amount of alcohol. Extremely weird stuff. It’s crazy to think I used to drink this stuff nearly every day. I am truly not going back if this is what it means. Say what you will about weed, and cite whatever junk science you want, but THC doesn’t do any of that to me. Hell, THC is what helps me get through stuff like this, at least after the fact when I need to actually calm my insane thoughts down and just do something else or relax before bed.
I don’t really know how to end this. This whole ordeal probably seems small and weird to an outsider that doesn’t feel the kicks to the gut I felt each time, but oh well. I needed to write about this, even to just vent it out and make better sense of it. It’s a very strange and jarring experience. I guess if you’ve ever had something like this, or some element of it happen, then I hope it helps knowing you’re not alone. Over the next couple days I think I have to be not just slower and more gentle with myself but take care of myself more. I don’t see myself pushing out too much productivity, and I stuggle to be lucid sometimes when sober and well-rested. Being in this state makes me so incredibly insecure, not just from the emotional debuff but from seeing myself constantly fuck up normal and easy things. It’s stuff like this that makes me push myself so hard the rest of the month, because I feel like I need to make up for dragging the people in my life down when they didn’t deserve it. People will say all this stuff that sounds nice on paper like mental health being important, but if you’re not actively bleeding out of your head or something it’s hard for people to really believe you’re going through anything.
Anyway, I’m working a bit extra this week which I worry will indeed bit me in the ass, but hop hopefully this is one of those things where just by showing up for the extra hours I’m already in the good graces and my mess ups won’t be too much of a problem. I have a couple of blog posts planned on here where I can talk about things that interest me that I feel like I don’t get space to talk much about. Anyway, hope you’re doing better than I am!
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