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Lucifer Morningstar

Why this one?

 

I've been trying to figure out how to better articulate why I am drawn to the story of Lucifer in fiction. I think much of it is because to me he represents autonomy, or the pursuit of it. To be told you have a choice, but one of those choices ends in eternal punishment, isn't actually a choice at all. I mean, sure, of course I'm drawn to the short hot guy with the demon features; I am bisexual woman after all lmfao. But I think his character handled in Hazbin is closer to what I personally love best in a man. Specifically, I say a man, because I am not immune to the attempts to subvert certain conventional portrayals of masculinity that are being done here as well. Like most of the men in this show, part of the appeal to me will likely stem from them being made by a woman. His delicate and "angel with red spikes" appearance has unfortunately charmed me deeply, because I've been a tumblrina far too long and I've got the tumblrina taste in Twink Bisexual Men (patent pending). 

 

I'm going to warn you now, if you weren't already aware, I am an adult talking at length about my adult-nasty feelings for a fictional character. You've been to yume websites before and this is indeed the point of no return. None of this is edited, spell-checked, formatted right or whatever. This is complete stream of consciousness. Very messy!

 

 

Lucifer Morninstar is, at this moment, the subject of my rabid overthinking. And yet, what I spend most of the time thinking about with him is really at this point my own version of him in my own version of the story. It's quite removed from canon, but I feel wrong to pretend it's something particularly original. The immense potential I see from him will almost certainly end in my own dissapointment. I'll see his emotional and sexual depths fail to hit past even surface level of the ways in which I've imagined, and I'm ready for this. I see canon more as a collection of ingredients I can use to cook up more situations for him. The more ingredients, the better, but I am shameless in how much I am cooking with this guy. I've never been good at fully respecting canon, and I've always been pretty shameless in my shipping, too, because I know it's harmless and actually quite helpful in working through a lot of things I've always struggled to work through. I mean, I ship the fucking south park dudes for fucks sake (maybe don't make out at the end of baseketball how am I supposed to handle that?), so I really do stay humble but also without any guilt or shame. This shit is like a sport to me or something. And brother, I'm in the delulu major fucking leagues.

 

 Lucifer reminds me a lot of the type of bixsexual guy that, and this is quite rare, can actually be friends while you have sex with each other from time to time. He is (and I realize it's a big leap to say this with absolution, just realize I'm making very wild assumptions recreationally from here on out lmfao) actually able to be someone's friend with benefits and not falter on either end. He's horny because he's allowed to be, but he's also lived long enough where he can easily handly the broad spectrum of sexual relationships that can exist. The cultural baggage means next to nothing to a guy who's been kicked out of his gated community and sent to rot and witness the doomed souls of earth rot with him. He's been to where things are tight, polished, and clean, and he's been to the depths of the pit. I think there's a stronger push to make it seem like he avoids the icky sinners in the show so I have to admit now that I often go against this part of him in my characterization, simply because I have a reckless and mighty need to expand on his character in ways that I have wanted to do to characters like him for so long. I know this is common and I don't think I should have any shame for it, but I don't ever see people talk about it...they just sorta do it. 

His thousands, maybe even millions of years of memories and thoughts already make him such a fascinating character to think about. How does that change how a person handles their daily life? Do the days feel akin to seconds in the grand scheme of it all? Does he have to work on a system of coping with the burden of so much in the mind? Does he rework himself on a cycle, not unlike a rebirth, to refresh his sense of self and does this change his personality? I think much of these questions will simply be answered with the fact that he is an inhuman entity with a higher capacity for these sorts of things, but to be frank; that's kind of fucking boring. His approach to every single element in his life would, in my eyes, be comepletely different than nearly all the souls in hell. I think he would at times feel a certain mutual understanding with the oldest entities of hell but likely they would remain making him feel like he's on the outside.

 

Feeling like an outsider is another strong theme for Lucifer. The feeling of being a part of something only to be outcast, as we see in the show, is an intense rip. He's like someone who has been born into a cult for their whole life, only to be completely cut off from his family for questioning the order that used to elevate him above the outsiders. Of course he's going to try and make his own family, I think most anyone would, but I assume the way he's raised and all he's known about family makes it very hard to create one with much success. This isn't exclusive to him, a lot of people make mistakes like these because this is sort of a foundation for generational trauma. Of course Charlie is doing what she can to make a family, too, but she's looking at where both heaven and her dad have fucked up and it's why it seems like her approach could really have a chance.

 

But I don't think Lucifer really wanted to have a huge family as much as he was always searching for a person who "gets it", and of course in their shared critique of heaven and their shared trauma, it's easy to think she could be the one to finally put his search to rest. Obviously we've yet to reach the point in the story where we know why they've seperated, but I have my own interpretations if nothing else. This sort of idea, that someone can just come in and make it all better, and complete you, is frankly the starry-eyed and simplistic notion that someone from a sparkly utopia like heaven would likely come up with in their first few times at romantic relationships. But the truth is both better and worse than this. Lillith seems to be a strong person with her own goals and ideals. This is awesome! I genuinely love that. But when you have two people who are trying to heal from something in their own unique ways, you can create a bit of a rift when it comes to making time for each other. Healing together means a lot of doing the same thing together, it's not always easy logistically. Two people who are attracted to each other and share the same trauma will likely always have a connection with each other, but is that really your soulmate? Is that really the one you want to remain dedicated to for what could be thousands or even millions more years? It's not exactly tragic that these two would disconnect over time, instead it feels right knowing where each of their passions lie. If anything, this once again raises the question if a "till death do us part" monogamous relationship is really possible or even wanted among souls that live many lifetimes. I know it's a nice thought and almost romantic, but in practice seems much less like reliability and stability and much more like chains. I have to wonder if the feeling of being chained down really frustrates and even scares Lillith, when that's pretty much the core of what she's defying heaven for, so with that in mind why wouldn't she outgrow something with such a oppressive and sexist past like marriage? I can only assume she's growing and seeing how capable she is on her own, and while I'm sure she holds love for him and Charlie, she's learning that loving herself needs to be given priority as well. Obviously, ignoring your daughter for years isn't cool at all lol, but it seems there's a lot to be revealed in the show regarding that so I'll leave that part be. But I don't want to fail at giving her the credit she deserves; she has every right to grow apart from Lucifer, even if that means things that were once beautiful to everyone else are going away. Because is it really that wonderful if you're no longer happy? Doesn't her happiness matter, too? 

 

So, knowing this, why would I attribute so much independence to Lucifer? To be honest, I think he's squared it as "at least I have this one person, and this particular structure, so things are okay and I am okay", while treating the outside with the type of more rational (if we can call something that) approach that comes with so much time post fall to accept his fate. Even though he's probably made little consious effort to become his own person for his own sake, he's likely made some progress in processing a lot of what's happened in his life, because for a while, he felt like this marriage and eventual child meant things were tied off in a bow, that things were okay, and there's nothing he needs to worry about other than survice and take care of his two people. He can like his small scope of things, do the bare minimum of his job (whatever that really is), and play house in a large tower of everything he could really want. I'm not even sure if he sees it as a guilded prison, but instead as shelter from remembering where he lives. I always have this little hunch that he's prone to never making it seem like he takes anything seriously, which is why him actually doing so for once is so refreshing to Charlie, because he's really closed himself off emotionally to her. If I were to hazard a guess as to why, it's probably because he thinks that's just what you do. You always act like you're okay and you avoid all the weird and uncomfortable stuff because that's just the easiest thing to do in the moment. If you look at it this way, it's no wonder a woman growing to feel less connected to someone she might at one time thought was her soulmate would just suddenly leave one day. It was sudden to everyone but her. To her it was just easier than unpacking possible years of discomfort, disconnection, and resentment. 

 

Back to the funny devil man, he's often come across to me as someone who craves stability to a fault. Of course he's not going to expect it from a sinner, but he's got a funny idea that anyone outside of being born of the pit has the capacity for this sort of structure that heaven has made normal for him. He's a questioner at heart, sure, that why he's my man, but he's awful at questioning himself on his own approach. Over time, I see him as quietly growing more comfortable voicing what he wants; he says no to social events he's uncomfortable with, he becomes more open about his interests, and he becomes more aware of his sexual desires as well as his capacity for friendship and attraction for hellborn. He's going to always hold a discomfort for sinners on principle, but obviously it seems the show it going to try and work through that issue. It's no secret that much of his behavior is autism-coded; I might have even missed where it was confirmed he was on the spectrum. I don't know if I have autism or not, being fully honest, but I do have a lot of experience knowing many autistic people and i still do. Most of the people I've ever been close with in my life were on the spectrum, so I'm going to try to be as mindful as I can about this when I try to wax poetic about his character. His sense of justice is strong, strong enough to push past what is likely some very strong social subtext and question the efficacy of heaven's structure. He's right to do so, and if he's going by any textual rules and values that have been explicitly said, then he's going to question why the practices don't line up. He's going to see patterns of hypocrisy and assume heaven would equally want to eliminate them. Obviously, we know how heaven actually responds to this. It's a lot to square for him. Why would a place you've been told is objectively good for everyone do something that hurts people who are not objectively bad? Past this, he likes structure, routine, all those good things I've mentioned earlier, but I've also mentioned he's more in touch with saying what he wants. What I mean, of course, is that instead of his life being just one big masking session outside of his own home, he's able to put it down and just be. Going back to sex (because guess what, that's fun to talk about!) he's seeing the futility of playing coy, or having some sort of shame about any sexual desires he might have. I can't speculate on if what he and Lillith had was ever an open relationship, but I actually doubt it was for the most part. I don't think this is hell rubbing off on him (lol...) it's just him spending enough time there to realize pretending he doesn't want to ever fuck brings him zero benefit in the long run. He knows people probably think he's strange or weird, but he's likely just wanting to go home in most social situations he's in. I think that's what gives his comfort in the hotel a certain interesting demension, because I see it as one of the first few times when he's comfortable enough around other people, sinners no less, that he can talk and banter in his robe and curlers without the high-society masking and pretending that he's usually subjected to in his job. Then again, the moment any camera crew or official walks in the doors, he's hiding in his room and hoping they leave. I don't think Lucifer dislikes people, I think we're on the cusp of seeing his progression into finding people he can actually be himself around. He doesn't dislike himself, at least not anymore, but he's overwhelmed with how different than him everyone is. They don't treat his quirks like they're just things he does, they treat them like a problem to solve and a burden to the public. It's easier to stay in his room where his special interest is waiting for him and he can forget that he is a joke of a king to a joke of a kingdom. He's not going to admit he needs people around to talk to and that he might need help, because duh, he's Pride, capital P. To me, I think he's actually both understanding and in denial that some sinners are actually really fun to be around; I assume he uses his shapeshifting powers to pose as one to go out once in a while. It would make sense, that his curiosity and pride would clash and push him to adopt a false persona once in a while to explore hell without the baggage. I think his reclusive nature is still his main cope, but there's likely a limit to how much he can handle being on his own and this would be a great way to avoid any consequence. He could visit nightclubs, resturaunts, wherever in hell he wanted to go. He might call it pretending to blend in, but much of it would come naturally, more natural than he would like to admit. In these moments, he's prone to looking at sinners differently; as other people with regrets and frustrations, just like him. It's in this context that I see him open to hooking up, mainly as a way to feel physical connection and to have something so intense happen for him that he's out of his head for a bit. I don't see him having sexual hang-ups due to his other issues, if anything I think it's one of the things about hell that he finds refreshing, because he likely feels sex is only as personal as you make it, and as it is, it is just two people who get along decently enough having a good time together. It's not intimate, but he understands there's a certain level of trust not unlike letting someone be a passenger in your car; you're vulnerable somewhat on a practical level but there's no need to give out your number. That in mind it's likely that Lucifer will find how others see having sex as a very personal step that implies romantic involvment rather confusing. I would sense that he would be essentailly done with romance after Lillith is gone and would consider a more practical approach to fufilling any sex drive he might have. He may take a while to realize how badly he needs a support system of people who love and care about him, but once he does, and puts more work into finding more people who get him, he's going to find less reason to search for a person to be his end-all, be-all completion. But like it or not, there's a pretty good amount of canon evidence to assume he's a sexual being, to a decent degree! Considering that, he's not going to live his live as celibate. He's in hell, he's good-looking, he's got money, and if things go well; he's starting to be okay with himself. I don't think he looks at people he's sleeping with as people being used, he has enough decency to treat them like potential friends since he knows they get along. He probably is at most happy when he's comepletely unromantic with others; having a group of people he considers friends that he also sleeps with from time to time. He understands the need to expand the people he relies on, and to cast a wider net, but I think this will also result in him pretty much noping out and shutting things down if he thinks that person might feel romantic feelings for him. Conversely, he's going to stick around if he thinks he's catching feelings himself; mainly because he thinks they'll go away as long as he keeps sticking around the person, because (and he's not totally wrong) sometimes that really is the case. He has a strong sense of love and care for his friendships because he can easily tell himself he's just being a good friend. He might be right to do so, because he also has periods of time he's unreachable; fully into his ducks and loving his alone time. He likes knowing that he can freely recharge from being around people because he isn't tied down. What he doesn't understand is that another person could easily accomodate for this if they were dating, but Lucifer doesn't really know what dating is past whatever heaven had going on. He knows that it feels like one of those things that never seemed very great from the movies and shows he's seen. The more he's settled into doing his own thing for a while, the more he likes going on without labels but instead very honest discriptions of what each person is to him. Once he gets into his routine, with the balance he's spent time crafting, he wants things to stay like that for many years. It's not realistic, but it's healing for the amount of time that it does. 

 

I don't really self-insert myself too elaborately with fictional characters past just some one-off fantasizing about what I'd like to do with them if we were alone. Usually, I'm fine with the yaois and the yuris; it's the way I've always known and done things. I can appreciate a straight relationship but it doesn't really wow me most of the time, not enough to want to engage further with it. I got enough straight relationship to go around in my real life lmfao. But I do have a lot of particular desires for specific dynamics and ships, often I ship Lucifer with a lot of other guys but there's different ways I go about it for each pairing. I do sort of miss the "every guy is gay and boning" type of mentality I could have in my own delusional fujo fantasies when I was younger, but mannn those days are long gone now. Instead I'm getting way too picky and I annoy myself with that tbh. I'm older, I've had sex with men, I've had sex with men who have sex with other men, and I'm more particular about what I like irl and in fiction as a consequence. The nice thing, is that if anyone with the same fujo brain worms as me comes around, I'm absolutely extatic. As for Luficer I like the idea of him having casual sex, if you couldn't already tell, but I also love the idea of him sort of losing his mind and wanting agressive, fucked-up sexual encounters as a result. I like that much of his sexual experiences are to fuel his ego and help feed that facet of his pride that says he's incredible at fucking. He's going to be one of those autistic people that takes a lot of pride in the work he's put into his flawless mask he wears during sex with someone he doesn't know well. He's going to mentally pat himself on the back after every performance for being the best sex they've ever had, because to him that's part of winning the game. He just doesn't want to ask himself why he keeps playing it. I think he probably assumes that makes him some sort of Player(tm) but in reality it just annoys people once they realize he's not being authentic. When he is, he's less trying to impress and more like a person having fun for the sake of it, his friends notice but keep it quiet, knowing there's something fragile there they don't want to break. He likes to have a good time, but he keeps the emotional vulnerability shut. He's not brooding, he's not going to act hurt, because whever he does feel that way he's gone to process all of this on his own. Perhaps that's why I do struggle to imagine him in healthy romantic relationships bult on devotion. I instead like to push him in my mind to be messy, lonely, sexual, and sometimes mentally healthy but completely single. I don't think it's that he lacks the capacity for what we call romantic devoted love but I think it's out of his environment and not what he's really going to seek and respond well to for a while. I like that he can be this type of character. I really think if he were to be in a romantic relationship, it would happen over an incredibly long time, decades and centuries even, of himself and another forming a bond based on being a stable and reliable part of each other's lives. I think it would have to be someone that spends much of their beginning dynamic as also doing their own thing, with their own people, and having an almost equally obscene level of visible autonomy with how they come in and out of his life. It's not unreasonable to imagine Lucifer is attracted to feircely independent people. People who crave power, who have their own story to live who are going to be mostly parralell to Lucifer at first. If you thought, "hey that could be a lot of types of people in hell", you'd be right, but I think this person would have to be some sort of unique amongst even them, Lucifer is after all a pouty little rich man at times, and likely well-read. He would need an intellectual equal that understands when it's best to be crass and when it's best to have some class. And if you thought "oh, that's Alastor, this long winded shit is just radioapple rambling" okay girl, me too! It's hard to deny there's some shit that could happen with them. It's no wonder the ship sails so fast and hard; the potentail is absolutely there and hey, two hot classy guys! That's like, double as good as one hot classy guy! They should have weird demon sex! And queen this is a safe space for you because I agree. They should totally do the fucknasty. Unfortunately, when you think too much about fictional characters like me, you begin to overthink the details of their coupling to an unwell degree. The idea that these two would suddenly be tender; holding hands, cuddling, saying they love each other, within the first 100 years of them having regular sex and getting closer to each other just doesn't make sense to me. Fully being honest, I totally hate the idea, it hits so wrong and feels out of place. I don't know if you remember, I know it's been a year since you've started reading this, but this is the devil and a power-hungry demon overlord we're talking about. And of course, I'm completely kicking out the very real possibility that Alastor is not only a virgin but has little to no interest in sex. But we've already smashed canon to bits here, so fuck it. Out of some sort of bastardized type of respect for Alastors asexual identity, I usually rationalize it all as Alastor feeling sexual desire for the first time, ever, and of course it's for the actual king of hell. It's not hard to make the assumption he's likely attracted to the immense angelic power of Lucifer which he's never seen before. Of course the power-hungry guy wants the ruler of hell as close to him as possible. I'm also partial to the idea that Lucifer takes Alastor's virginity. Not in some sort of tender and loving way, but because it fufills a particular thirst that leans much more into a blaphemous and demonic lust that ideally, would take over much of Lucifer's judgement. The core of what I think could actually make them more than two people who sleep together is that bickering they do, pride against pride, both unafraid to be fully honest to a fault with each other, pointing out where the other is being a hypocrite. But as most of the time this pairing is handled, the bickering leads to tension that can be resolved only temporarily with sex. This can lead to a cycle that becomes something of a thing Lucifer finds a strange comfort in. At least, for me, this is often the lead into a more serious connection being built. 

 

As for who else I ship with him? I used to be more interested in the idea of him with Adam but it's been so long since then and my favor for it has really waned. I wish I was able to go in detail about it but unfortunately my brain just isn't letting me. But I do remember that I was hugely for the idea of Adam coming back in season 2, waking up in hell as a sinner and things going from there. Would he be able to handle it? Would he end up loving it there? Would Lute come down and hate what he became? Would he hate it, and seek refuge at the hotel? There's a lot of potential there, but once again it seems weird to think of Lucifer developing any sorts of feelings for him without a lot of legwork to set that up. But hey, isn't that kinda the name of the game here, where I try my best to rationalize my desired character situations? Come back next week when I give up canon entirely, make up an AU, and he morphs completely into my bible OC. I think this entire thing could be a case study in the unhealthy obsession mentally ill women have for emotionally tortured bisexual twinks and how they project their sexuality and desires onto them. Or something. I'm assuming that this will be, without a doubt, the least read part of my website. I mean, I'm basically introducing you to how I compartmentalize my lust and make it safe for me to digest with minimal shame. See, this is why no one invites me to parties or discord servers anymore.