WILL contain adult language, topics, and oversharing. You've been warned!
9/16/25: b
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with this information, I took the other one, and I scored a 36. I don't think anyone in my life wants to deal with something like this from me. It would just upset them since I already have so many issues I never shut up about like the ADHD. I just don't think I'm allowed to even recognize this as a part of me, if it even is. I might just delete this entry, it's pointless to even talk about.
9/15/25: b
Yayyy it’s the fun blog! The one that isn’t such a bummer! I’ve been rewatching Osomatsu-san recently, but this time, I’m checking out the dub. I like it so far, but I know I wouldn’t have years ago. I have really warmed up to dubs, since that’s all my husband and brother-in-law will watch lol. It’s still pretty funny, not like hurt yourself funny but a lighthearted time that I enjoy escaping to. It’s a good antidote to Bojack lol. We just hit season 5 with Bojack and are almost halfway. Damn...Diane I am patting your back awkwardly in assurance. But honestly in general this show is getting heavier and heavier, so I’m starting to drag my feet with watching it more. I would have probably taken a break from it if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m not really watching it for me in the first place lol, it’s because my husband wanted to. But I don’t hate it at all and I don’t regret watching it, it’s just seriously a bummer sometimes, which well, the internet did warn me.
My brother-in-law hadn’t seen Superbad so we watched it all together on Saturday night and ordered pizza, it was a fun time! I am so glad I watched that movie for the first time in theaters when I was about that age, though (actually I think I just graduated?), because uh, it was a different time for sure. I’m not one of the token female friends in mostly nerdy guy friend group anymore, so you could say I’m further from the culture lmao. I still laughed a bunch, and the movie was still a hit with everyone. The scene with the drawings absolutely kills me...it’s wild how nostalgic the movie feels simply because they did such a good job showing normal people having normal people parties (because it honestly feels like we partied waaaay more before smartphones)! I have never craved alcohol so strongly! I had to really stay strong, because seeing drunk people really made me want to get fucked up myself, no matter how lame they looked, I knew they were having fun. But somehow I made it through. Also I will concede that I don’t really think myself and other girls really looked that flawless in high school. I think that took me a bit out of the scene and reminded me that this is hollywood. This is why the movie Bottoms exists, to balance out the universe, I suppose. But it would have been nice to see myself in the girls more, instead of the usual of me seeing myself in the guys. You know? But I’m sure that criticism has been said before like, years ago. Still, that didn’t ruin the movie for me or anything.
I planted some wildflower seeds in some various places in our porch and backyard planters, and I’m surprised to say some are growing! I hope they keep it up, I’m doing what I can to water them when needed, but I don’t want to overdo it. Right now it’s getting to 90 degrees or so in the day but down to like 60 at night. I have also been working on a whole page dedicated to getting my garden in shape for next year and the progress it’ll make next year. I just thought I’d get that all taken care of so that when I make a plan and get started, that will be one less thing to worry about. It’s going to be done on another premade layout like I’ve been doing these days, but that’s less about lacking the coding skill and just lacking the solid vision and inspiration I see other people have. I just have no notes for the layout I see, usually, and I would rather have it then think up something on my own. Starting from scratch scares me lol, because I’m not creative when I have nothing to work with. I would like to give making original layouts a try in the future, though, even if it’s just to give away for free or something. I’m too settled into what I have now, but maybe I’ll change it? I don’t even know what idea to work with, besides uh...maybe something with a light theme. Or something that reminds me of nature. Or antiques. I really don’t know….but I feel guilty for not trying. I’m going to at least try.
I think that’s all I have to say. Goodbye!
9/15/25:
I am ranting a lot in this I’m sorry ): I banished this to a little box lol
I’ve been reading a lot of Bearblogs lately. Honestly, there’s some really good ones, and even ones I’m not so into are really just not made for me. But I do get a little annoyed because I often notice how “office-worker centric” they are. Which to be fair, makes sense! These are people who go to college, work hard, get a degree, and go into a nice office job. Personally, I am VERY jealous, because I don’t get that luxury, even in my 30’s. When I had the money, my severe learning disability (with zero accommodations) would interfere, and now that I’ve got that under more control, the money is already gone and the debt has been paid off with no degree to show for it. It’s a bummer, and reading people who toss a bit of a whine here and there because they’re living a dream I can only imagine is pretty frustrating. It’s the same with those old 90’s shows that also did that. I mean, I don’t want to sound like these people didn’t work hard and don’t experience their own genuine issues and annoyances, but it takes me a bit out of what they’re saying to wonder if I’m even meant to read their manifesto about stopping to meditate at their desk when everything seems overwhelming because uh, well, I don’t get to do that. No one working in retail, waiting tables, taking drive-through orders or delivering food or whatever to people get that chance. My husband doesn’t get time to do things like that often at the distribution center (that’s a warehouse job for all you people lucky enough not to know). I can’t just tell a customer to leave me alone for 60 seconds so I can do a deep breathing exercise, I just have to power through and go about things in a different way I suppose. What is a little bit of a drag is how no one is going to talk about people who are working and living like me, even though there’s a lot of us. I know, I work with them lol. And maybe it’s because there’s this idea we’re not in the same internet spaces, that people like me are scrolling tiktok or some other low iq activity in our tiny amount of free time, and that we have no interest in pushing ourselves further in regards to introspection and observation of the world around us. We’re just not interested in trying that hard, right? That’s of course how we got here! It has nothing to do with the job market, economy, or cost of higher education (or dare I say, the inflexibility of higher education in regards to accommodating one of the most common learning disabilities), no, it’s just all on us for being lazy or stupid. I’m sure it’s never going to be the intent of any of these authors or anyone to outright say or imply such a thing because they know it’s kind of a dick thing to say and it’s unfair to say too, but I can see where people aren’t thinking too hard about anyone other then those who get to sit on their ass at their job. If I sound bitter, it’s because I’m growing tired of feeling like I’m infiltrating some sort of culture I’m not actually allowed to be a part of. I’m going to be honest, I can probably do a good bit of these jobs if given the chance. I think I could fake it pretty well, actually, because despite my lack of documentation proving otherwise, I’m not totally fucking stupid. I don’t think most of the people who have to juggle high volumes of physical tasks as well as making sure every customer around them is some level of satisfied is stupid, either. I think often there are going to be completely unexpected challenges in my type of work that are much more difficult than someone who simply feels they are not living to their full potential. And the thing is, we feel this way too! So many of us have hopes and dreams that go to fully die when we realize no matter how many extra hours we sink in and repetitive motion injuries we collect, we’re not going to make the extra money needed to achieve financial mobility. There are no entry level office jobs and there is no moving up in our places of employment. For us, salary is a joke that’s played on the dumbest most bright-eyed idiots who don’t realize they’re about to be drained for every bit of overtime they can be siphoned for. Most are lucky to be full time, because it means we can actually secure some benefits, for a huge amount of our paychecks. We usually just get stuck working just enough hours to still be part time, and are expected to always be available when all our family and friends are free and want to spend time with us. We don’t get weekends, we don’t get holidays, and we’re running out of bootstraps to pull ourselves up by. It just seems kinda funny to see people in such an easy and pleasant situation (I would do anything to be bored at work!) complain when it’s not even hard to handle. Maybe I’m just out of the loop because I don’t have to send emails and be in zoom calls all day while I get to handle my tasks at my own pace. If I was, maybe I would cave under the pressure and cry and go on reddit and wax poetic about how I wish I was a monk or a barista or whatever. I realize much of the frustration about the white collar worker is due to their status of being just high enough to find discovering meditation and breathwork life changing and their whole personality for a week, but still broke enough to not be able to spend most of their time at yoga retreats with nepo babies and smoke the good rich people meth on one of their total of 4 actual work days per year. Instead, they’re stuck doing real office work, which might require a lot of reading and writing, which sure, that can be tedious and hard! Using higher level math to make charts or whatever is also hard, and so is being on the phone with assholes. I really do understand. But my ire comes from the lack of understanding on the other end, or maybe it’s just the lack of existing those of us at the bottom have. It’s so weird, when you think about job value in a more objective context, because our jobs were the ones supposedly so valuable we had to keep working at least half of them, and later on in seems like most of the jobs that could be done at home are being threatened to be replaced with LLMs. To be fair, my job is just retail so it’s certainly replaceable in the context of the store I work at, but I can easily do what I do at the grocery store a 5 minute walk away, and that’s something that is much less replaceable. I’m just not sure why these jobs are treated like they’re the bottom when they often involve a lot of different skills for the different tasks involved, and are often the core of a company and economy successfully operating. When the office workers unionize, most of the world keeps turning pretty fine, assuming nothing medical or utilities is involved (which I consider those jobs to be mostly out of office anyways...because they usually are). That isn’t to say I’m against any class solidarity for the blue collar worker, because I support that for ALL workers, but surely someone understands what I’m getting at, right? I’m not trying to take shots but I wish a dialogue was more present. There’s no question these office jobs are going to get harder in the future, if there’s no regulation to how companies implement AI tech. Corners are going to keep getting cut. And as it stands, the job market is basically frozen for most regular people and people looking for their first or an entry level job. They just don’t exist. No one is firing, but no one is hiring either. It’s a mess for everyone. But If everything I read is biased to one type of working class person, we’re not going to see meaningful and substantial progress. If the barrier to understand and communicate with certain people is too great, then you just create a class of people separate and isolated from growth past a certain point. Knowledge should be free, and the idea that teaching your working class peers about concepts you already understand well and being taught by us things we often see and deal with hasn’t been at the forefront of most talks online is just a shame. The wasted potential of collaboration is immense, but it requires effort on the side of people who aren’t impossibly physically exhausted at the end of most days, and haven’t burned themselves out socially on top of the physical work all day. I’m not saying all the heavy lifting needs to be done by white collar workers, but that the blue collar workers aren’t going to try at anything they have no trust in, it would be a waste of the very tiny amount of energy they usually have left. For once, it could be nice to see empathy for that dwindling energy by a party other than one trying to sell them something or get their vote. It all seems a little sad to observe this pointless divide. I notice that it doesn’t get talked about, either. I might be a bit insane for even mentioning it, I guess. Sorry if you think I’m complaining about you, because I probably am not. I just can’t help how insecure I am about this subject, too.
9/9/25:
Just discovered Milanote, probably waaaay too late. But it’s kinda what I’ve been looking for! Unfortunately, it’s not completely what I need in terms of needing something that uh….doesn’t cost any money lol. I just want to use it as a virtual pinboard or study board, that doesn’t have all the ads and addictive elements of pinterest and tumblr that have made them hard for me to stay on. Also, I just think with tumblr even with adblock, actually looking back on my posts that I’ve reblogged is not really arranged in the way I need it to be so it can serve as a competent inspo scrapbook page thing. It’s hard to explain I guess.
To be fair, it’s totally okay to be asking for money for such a thing. I mean, it’s work to make and it’s not so easy to make either. However, I’m really looking to use what seems to be 1/10th of the features on the website, but unfortunately a bunch of images is still a bit of bandwidth. The thing is, I really just want something like this to be on my laptop only, it can be offline. It’s just a way to cut out social media and have something more proactive that can still serve as a way to get inspired and motivated. I’m not looking to present an office team project lol. I hate that there isn’t just a “personal use” type option. I’m just not sure I’ll really need this at such a length to justify the cost. I guess I’ll just wait it out and see once I hit a roadblock. I supposed I can always make multiple accounts or something but that seems like it would be confusing and tedious in the long run, but hey, maybe that’s the price of free. I guess I really have no right to complain and am in no way saying things need to change and accommodate me, I’m just whining lol.
Anyway, so far I do really like Milanote in browser as a way to better enjoy my collection of images I’ve saved from tumblr over the past while (I did so as a way to be more conscious of the stuff I like there…). I’m able to better engage with the images and get a better visual on stuff that I think inspires me to do certain things. It’s like I can see what to chase after more clearly when I can see it all together in one mass. I like just getting to arrange it along with putting in a couple text posts I reblogged a long time ago that I felt were relevant to the board’s subject, and I love that the gifs do autoplay to really jazz up the whole spread. I’m such a visual person and I wish it was more common to allow for this sort of flexibility and “grab-ability”, for lack of a better word, on other apps and online spaces. I know a lot of people say Obsidian is capable of things like this, but I have started and tried to understand that program so many times and I think I’m just not getting it. Maybe I’m stupid lmfao but it doesn’t seem like it would do the same sort of easy placement of images like Milanote can do, at least not without a constant struggle. I don’t know, maybe I’ll get it one day. Or maybe there’s something even better out there?
I’m just trying my best to make a system where I’m able to enjoy an offline or off-social media version of what I already know I enjoy. I don’t hate Tumblr, and I don’t hate Pinterest. I LOVE THEM. Too much. I was one of the first users on both! I’ve been on Tumblr for like 15 years now, and almost 15 for Pinterest! I’ve also been an addict to these places from day one. I need to try to live without them somehow, but I don’t think they offer a service that’s entirely useless. I think there’s a way to find a middle ground that best serves me. I also just need something that encourages more active consumption and has a more clear session boundaries where I can better feel when to stop and easily do so. Am I really alone here? I’ve actually abstained from both really well for the whole year so far, but I think it’s fair to want to have a way to healthily enjoy some of that magic lol, because I think it really helps me in some ways. I’ll keep working on it and figuring out what works best. I'll figure something out. I always do these days it seems.
Anyway, I’ve been in a weird mood for the past couple days. Ever since my period ended. I think it’s just fall coming in. My brain just won’t get with the program and I’m sleeping more and I’m still so sleepy...I hate it. I hate feeling sleepy and tired and not processing the things around me correctly and efficiently. I feel so stupid like that. Caffeine doesn’t seem to help and I’ve been eating as healthy as possible with enough nourishment. I’m getting so overwhelmed easily. I hope I get better soon, because I hate watching myself fall short like this. It’s beyond lame and pitiful.
9/7/25:
Anyway, what about you?
Somedays I feel like I live on this laptop, other times I barely touch it. I understand the desire by a lot of people, myself sometimes included, to cut out screen time. I think if I didn’t do so much reading on my tablet or watching movies/tv shows/listen to music through my laptop things would be different. I love the idea of enjoying the “physical copy” of all this media, but when you’re broke and impulsive that gets in the way often lmao. I really do try to use the local library as much as humanly possible, though. I love the two near my house! The closer one is a lot smaller though, since it’s such a small town...the next one is about 25-30 minutes away near my work and it’s amazing. I want to hang out there after work all the time and I often do lol. It’s partly a historical (former obviously) home so I get to look at beautiful antique furniture through some of the windows, it feels like a place made just for me! But back to subject, a place made just for you is such an important thing, even if it’s small. It could be your phone, or your tablet, or desk, or even your bed. Unfortunately, I think the locations of these personal places can indeed shape you and your habits. If your bed is the only place you feel is for you, it’s probably going to mean you’re in there a lot, for example. I suppose this is why it’s so paramount to make many places in your life your own. I know that the more I did this, the better I felt about my life and where I wanted to go with it. I got to know myself a lot better, because I was asking myself what I wanted and liked on a regular basis and seeing a space reflect that.
And of course, isn’t that what making personal static websites is about? I think that’s what draws most people in. The allure of a place that can be entirely, down to the details, your own, cannot be overstated in an online world that’s becoming less customizable.
I know growing up with the ability to change my theme on most things whenever I felt like it has spoiled me, and that’s totally fine that it did.
Now I’m learning new things just to be able to gain that control again!
Sorry I’m not really rambling too much about my own life, but not much is going on.
I am honestly thankful for that, I just want to read my little books and drink my little iced coffee and vibe for a little bit. I have been adding little things to this site as you can see, and I’ve been doing a lot of surfing the internet archive, so most of what I’m doing is connected to that. I guess everything else I’m doing is just like, really adult-y and errand-y and basically boring, I get no enjoyment of talking at length about those
things lol. I got a bottle of hazelnut syrup on sale for a dollar yesterday!
This is the current excitement lol and I am very fond of this sort of calm and mundane. I actually have read two comics from the library, both biographies, and one a very much dislike, so I may make a whole post just ranting about it and how the other book does a much better job lmao. I really need to join like goodreads or something! Also as of now I really haven’t been playing much video games except for picking up tetris and playing a random game when I need to let out some frustation or anxiety sometimes. It works, tetris is kinda one of the goats for that reason lol. Anyway, still chipping away at the class but I’m nearly done. Let’s go do something else now! Byebye! 
9/2/25:
Hello! I guess we’re in a new month! September feels like it came up even faster than August. I do have a blog that I failed to actually post in August that I finally put up, so there’s that if it matters to you. Completely understandable if not, these things get ranty and rambly often, which makes me sometimes unsure about making them seen by others. I actually had a pretty great weekend, but today has just been annoying. Mainly just the whole cramps from hell thing like usual, but also I got stung by a wasp earlier lol because I was outside talking to the maintenance guy. I didn’t even do anything, I was just chilling minding my business when I saw it stabbing my arm. What a dick!
Remember when I said I’d dedicate to the whole Python thing for real this time? I am actually doing that. 
Of course, right now it’s gotten harder and harder to bring myself to do it, and to keep going when I get started, but I’m sure that’s to be expected, and I’m powering through anyway. I think the monthly hormone change also is a factor, because in general I am more sluggish, and I struggle to fully concentrate on anything. I’ve been awful at getting enough sleep for the past couple weeks now, so I’m really going to have to change that. I changed my VLC skin so now I’m watching the videos on a Hannah Montana PSP while I code along lol.
I’ve been reading craft magazines more lately, and I really have to thank the Internet Archive for that.
The ones from the 70s and from Japan are my favorites! It’s so nice to just chill out to a magazine sometimes. I’ve read a couple manga, too, which is more and more rare for me. I think that’s for the best, since I can get way too into one and I’ll destroy my sleep schedule entirely just to know what happens in a manga of questionable quality. To be honest, a good fanfic can to this too, and a couple books have done this to me, but the bar for manga hitting this point is very low lmfao. 
Can you believe my neck is still a bit stiff and sore for last week? It’s nearly better, but it’s taking forever to heal. 
Anyway, I’m slowly adding stuff to that fanpage of mine. I’m sure I’ll be more driven the more I revisit the media each character is from. So that means I’ll probably be really seldom about updating it until the lightning strikes (see what I did there?). I like making things for other people to use, but my website here isn’t made with that as it’s core purpose. I don’t think it would be a good idea to expect that from me, because it’s just not what most of this website is. I make stuff for the fun of it, mostly. I think if I reach a point where I’ve made a bunch of things that others can use I’ll just put it all on my first website and put a link to that here. Or something. 
Okay, enough piddling about. I’m either going to work on my Python class or take a nap!! Byebye! 